Believe

First, I must say, I love chocolate. I tend to go back and forth on my favorite, but always in the top few are the Dove Promises. And any chocolate that has a conversation with me is a win in my book. They're like fortune cookies, but chocolate! Yesterday I grabbed a bag of the dark chocolate with almonds [yum!]. The first one I opened had this cute little message. You can't read it because I use my iPhone as a camera. It's convenient but not the best. It says, "Believe in yourself."

Which sadly is advice that I desperately need. I walk a fine-yet confusing line of believing I can do anything and thinking that it's all completely crap.

Two weeks ago, I found myself strutting around the office, confident that everything out of my mouth was pure genius. But just as quickly as that high came, it went rushing out the window, followed quickly by an overwhelming sense of self-doubt.

I did X wrong.

The client chose their own copy.

I reached out to my boss for help, only to get back that it was my fault in the first place.

My billable hours are down.

And someone said my shirt was ugly.

OK, I made the last one up. But, you get the idea. I have ridiculous highs followed by low lows. I need to find a happy middle. Well, a happy somewhere above middle.

Growing up, I was never told I was pretty. It wasn't until a few years ago that my grandmother told me how my younger sister was always pretty when we were younger but that I had 'bloomed' and she thought I was beautiful. I of course ignore the obvious sentiment of that statement and focus on the idea that for the majority of my life, she thought I was 'not pretty.' Mkay.

But, growing up, while I wasn't being told I was pretty, I was being told that I was smart. Problem is, I'm intelligent. I'm not super-duper smart, you know the smart worthy of being arrogant or anything, but I did well in advanced classes. All of my teachers saw promise in me. Anytime I tried to phone something in, I would be told, "I expect more of you." or "You can do better than that." And so, I did.

But, strangely, here, in this new environment, I find myself stumbling. Confused by the process. Never knowing what I should be doing. And everywhere I turn, I see failure. It makes me question myself down to my core.

And although I know it, I can't seem to believe myself when I say I'm being too hard on myself. So when I say I'm taking advice from a piece of chocolate, I hope you know that I'm not insane.