Gray day

The rain is coming down outside in a light drizzle.  Just wet enough to soak the streets and cover your hair with a fine mist.  Tiny puddles dot the parking lot, creating a haphazard game of hopscotch for adults.  We play along reluctantly, challenged not to damage our shiny shoes.
The light gray clouds fill the sky from top to bottom, left to right. No end in sight.  The sun is hiding somewhere, shrugging its shoulders, saying, 'Eh, I don't feel like shining today.' There are no ominous black clouds to be seen, bringing their threats of thunder and lightening and possibly something much more sinister in nature.  Just gray, as far as the eye can see.
I don't think I could have matched the weather to my mood any better than if I had laid it out while choosing my clothes.
I am calm.  But a steady drizzle clouds my view.  Life, for the moment is confusing to say the least.  Last night, I got word that my dad is in the emergency room.  He blacked out while at the airport and really doesn't even know how he got there.  His health has been spotty lately.  Odd events, like this, have changed his mood and personality.
Like much of my family, we are not close.  The relationship is strange.  One that comes from a father who isn't really mine.  But, who wanted me none-the-less.  As of the last update, it seems he will be fine.  But there are bigger problems with him that should be addressed.
Last night, I struggled to find out more.  To understand what was going on, in another state, disconnected from the reality.  At the same time, my MIL clicked her teeth satisfactorily as she gleefully delivered yet another task for Brad.  I want to punch her in her sad little face.  And yet, I know that will bring me no joy.  So, I ate.  Cookie after cookie, until my stomach hurt.  Chewing angrily, not tasting the chocolate, or the real butter or the delicate flavor of the oats.  Not appreciating the time I put into them days ago.  Searching to fill a void that can not be contained with cookies.  Or coffee.  Or anything like that.  But, it doesn't stop me.
Life continues to astound me.  I struggle to find my place.  To understand what happens and why.  To know how to deal.  To segment.  To actively choose when and where to place my attention, my concern and my time.  How do you say to someone, you are no longer worth my time?  How do you tell them that for once, you choose yourself, without being or sounding selfish?
I suppose these are questions that I will have to figure out for myself.  Someday.  Until then, just call me gray.


  1. I wish I could reach trough here and hug you. I think It is less you being gray and more of it all piling up on you at the same time.
    then the rest of it.
    It would make anyone feel gray, wouldn't it? We are here for you!

  2. Behind in my reading - but wanted to thank you for writing this. Honest and true - it's beautiful.