You get what you ask for

So, I have spent over ten years working towards/searching for that job, THE job.  And, well, I got it.  It took forever, lots of doors slammed in my face -- actually, not of them really 'slammed,' but several were firmly shut.  Except this last one of course.  Unbeknownst to me at the time, it had been left open a crack.  

Anyway, that is neither here nor there.  My point is, I am here.  And sometimes I question if I should be.  For so many reasons.  My cube is of an adequate size, I have no complaints, I have a window, it looks out at a parking deck and occasionally at a guy on a unicycle.  The people are nice, and I think the job is easy.  But maybe thats what is wrong -- I think.  

I never thought that adjusting to what I wanted would be so hard.  And of course I am riddled with self-doubt.  Do I belong here?  Do I deserve this?  Am I good enough?  Or has all of this been a fluke up to this point?  I strain to listen to others when they speak about projects; listening for the inevitable words of doom, but praying I do not.  

What happened to my creativity?  To the girl with a combination of paint and charcoal under her nails and traces of lead smeared everywhere?  She has been replaced by some business drone yanked directly from a GAP commercial (not the recent ones, the good ones from a few years ago with the swing dancing and stuff) -- khakis and all.  I cant just shake this education that I'm still paying for, but I cant seem to find the creativity that once was.

Or at least I believe once was.  Maybe I never was creative to begin with.  Maybe it was all a facade, something I dreamed up in a previous life to pretend that I wasn't just another filler in high school.  Maybe that is all I am.  Destined for mediocrity.