It's sad.  My job is to write, and yet I can't seem to lift a finger to do what I am actually supposed to be doing.  My only motivation to write is to whine.  It gives me comfort.  Which I think is sad.  I look back at what I've written, see the emotions and thoughts transformed to words, making them that much more real, and think to myself that I'm getting through this.  Slowly.  Today when I dropped off the MIL, I looked back at her as I drove away.  She looks so sad.  So small.  So fragile.  Like she could just break into tiny little pieces.  Just a few years older than my own mom, she now looks as though she could have birthed her.  She has a nice wig, you really can't tell.  You just think, 'wow, she fixes her hair exactly the same everyday!'  But her hands and feet are bearing the brunt of the Cancer; shriveled, dry and rejecting their nails, they look like they belong to a ninety year old woman who has been working in the garden for too long.  
Across town, a modest house sits empty.  The grass a little taller than it should be.  The driveway empty for longer than it has ever been.  The mailbox overflowing between trips to retrieve it.  It sits, and it waits, for her return.  A thin layer of dust covers the counters, and possibly, a phone rings in the back, still on because it might be needed when she returns.  If she returns. The house waits.  And the house shall continue to wait, as the doctor gives no indication of time.  Cancer can not be cured with a 'take two of these and call me in the morning.'  By all accounts, her progression is nothing short of a miracle.  Although when asked how much longer, her doctor says, "We will be having this same discussion a year from now."  Leaving not much hope for a speedy recovery.  
When life hands you lemons, you make lemonade.  But the problem with that saying is the idea that a lemon is bad.  Its not.  Its a fucking fruit!  Give me a break.  I mean, oh, its a little sour but it's still edible and smells great.  What do you do when life hands you Cancer?  Huh?  Answer that question.

No comments:

Post a Comment