The good bad news

After a series of unfortunate tests, my doctor has declared that there is no specific medical reason for my pain.
The good news:
The esophagogastroduedenoscopy (EDG), colonoscopy, samples, ultrasound, blood tests and CT scan all came back negative. Nothing. Zip. Zilch. Nada. Everything inside me is squeaky clean and all in working order.

The bad news:
I still have pain. And I spent around $800 to find out that there's 'nothing' wrong with me. (And I know that the bills aren't done. I still haven't paid for the CT scan. Who knows how much that will cost me.)

I'm not angry with my doctor or anything like that, I think he's done a thorough job of looking for the problem. And, as a solution, I have a pill that I have to melt under my tongue three times a day. I've been doing this for almost a week now and it has helped some. As best he could diagnose, I am suffering from 'stress.'

Here's my question, who isn't suffering from stress?
Work? Stress. (Major stress for me)
Home? Stress. (not in a bad way, just in a juggling things making sure everything gets done.)
Family? Do I even need to recount? Stress. Stress. Stress. Brad wants me to go on a 30 day separation from my family. No contact whatsoever.

And the thing is, I know it could be worse. It could be way, way worse. Hell, they could have found something. And then what? A battle? At least I would have had some kind of adversary to fight. But now, there is nothing. A nameless, faceless nothing in the pit of my stomach destroying my sleep, turning daily events into a challenge. I don't really know what to do with a diagnosis of 'calm the fuck down*.'

I seriously feel that I am incapable of calming down. Zen is not in my vocabulary. Not Caring is not something I can do. I was a serious child, with serious responsibilities – my personality has been etched in stone since I was twelve. I don't know how to change. But if I don't? Somethings going to slip.

*my words, not the docs.


  1. ugh! There's nothing worse than a diagnosis of "there's nothing wrong with you"!
    Have you tried the probiotic stuff? Like Align or Phillips? I can't swear that it helped, but I know it didn't hurt

  2. I once worked with someone who was having chest pains and they couldn't find anything wrong with her and finally she just had to change jobs.

    Anyway, I guess it is good that they didn't find anything but oh my it certainly sucks that there is not a specific thing you can do.

    Is there anything you already do that calms you? Like for me, it's running. I can always tell when I haven't been running because I'm much crankier and edgy. Have you tried yoga or meditation? I know it sounds kooky but I've heard of it helping. Or maybe you need to go the other way with something like kickboxing or roller derby? Other people I know with various and sundry "undiagnosables" have done acupuncture...a friend of mine claims it's like sleeping for 8 hours for an hour session.

    I hope you find something that helps...I am a big ball of stress too so I can sympathize.

  3. I'm so sorry.

    Have you already ruled out gluten allergy?

  4. @Nikol, yep, it's not gluten, that was one of the first things I thought.

  5. One of my students has stomach issues. The doctor told the mom that the head is as sensitive as the head, so when the head (brain) is stressed, the stomach reacts. I do the same. Like, yesterday, when I thought my stomach would explode. then it didn't. does this make any sense!?

  6. I've read that our personalities are formed when we are about 2. I think my family keeps thinking I'm going to somehow suddenly change and be all perky and optimistic. Not gonna happen. I get stressed over ridiculous things and I know it - yet I continue to stress.

    Hopefully it was a little reassuring to hear they didn't find anything. Jen may have a point about changing jobs. Only in this economy what jobs are there to change to ?? There I go all pessimistic again - GAH!!

    Anyway, good luck with it all...

  7. oh man, sorry that they weren't able to pinpoint what's causing you the pain.

    hey, um, if you decide to do a 30 separation from the fam, will you let me know...i think i might join you.