After a series of unfortunate tests, my doctor has declared that there is no specific medical reason for my pain.
The good news:
The esophagogastroduedenoscopy (EDG), colonoscopy, samples, ultrasound, blood tests and CT scan all came back negative. Nothing. Zip. Zilch. Nada. Everything inside me is squeaky clean and all in working order.
The bad news:
I still have pain. And I spent around $800 to find out that there's 'nothing' wrong with me. (And I know that the bills aren't done. I still haven't paid for the CT scan. Who knows how much that will cost me.)
I'm not angry with my doctor or anything like that, I think he's done a thorough job of looking for the problem. And, as a solution, I have a pill that I have to melt under my tongue three times a day. I've been doing this for almost a week now and it has helped some. As best he could diagnose, I am suffering from 'stress.'
Here's my question, who isn't suffering from stress?
Work? Stress. (Major stress for me)
Home? Stress. (not in a bad way, just in a juggling things making sure everything gets done.)
Family? Do I even need to recount? Stress. Stress. Stress. Brad wants me to go on a 30 day separation from my family. No contact whatsoever.
And the thing is, I know it could be worse. It could be way, way worse. Hell, they could have found something. And then what? A battle? At least I would have had some kind of adversary to fight. But now, there is nothing. A nameless, faceless nothing in the pit of my stomach destroying my sleep, turning daily events into a challenge. I don't really know what to do with a diagnosis of 'calm the fuck down*.'
I seriously feel that I am incapable of calming down. Zen is not in my vocabulary. Not Caring is not something I can do. I was a serious child, with serious responsibilities – my personality has been etched in stone since I was twelve. I don't know how to change. But if I don't? Somethings going to slip.
*my words, not the docs.