Ruining a float trip in five easy steps.

Step 1.
Not enough liquor. 

Despite making these:
90 jello shots in flavors margarita, pina colada 
and strawberry daiquiri.

I did not bring enough liquor. Namely for me. In light of my feeling like I'm gaining weight [even though I'm probably not] I opted not to drink. Also, that allowed for a certain designated driver.
The problem with being sober when everyone else is drinking is simple.
They find things funny. And you do not.

For example. When you husband loses his wedding ring. He will find it funny. You will not. You will find it extra not funny because he did the exact same thing in the exact same place two years ago.
Also, you will not find it funny when he tries to blame it on you, being the sober one and all. You can not make this stuff up.

This is the moment I think he lost his ring. But I can't be sure. 
Step 2.
Forget to put sunscreen everywhere.

I have cut my hair so short that it will not go up. Not at all. I can muster a nubby little not quite an inch long pony tail, but half my hair refuses to participate. So, I opted for front mini pigtails and leaving the rest down.
Problem with this?

See that perfect part in my hair? It resulted in a perfect sunburn that has already blistered and is beginning to peel. And it hurts. My scalp is throbbing.
I'm praying that the hair doesn't find a way to fall out. With my luck, it will.

Step 3.
Turn to your left. Pick a fight. 

I'm sure you can chalk it up to a combination of heat exhaustion and excess libations, but it always seems someone tries to pick a fight. And in retrospect, it's usually an utterly useless argument. Want to keep it in the family? Throw something at your spouse. Steal your sister's sunscreen.

Want to mix it up a bit and get to know some other's enjoying the sun? Accuse them of trying to 'peek at a girl's goods.' Get one of your other drunk friends to push you into someone trying to block the fight who will ultimately fall into the stranger. Be thankful that the person falling is a chick and therefore the guy [who apparently was not drunk] was not that upset.

Step 4.
Navigator? We don't need no stinkin' navigator!

We go where the water takes us! Even if that means running into a tree. Or two. Or three. Whatever. What, go around the fallen tree? Why, when you can go over it!

See my boat? I was taking it for a walk when I heard that Brad had lost his wedding ring.

Back to the boat. And the tree that we went over. Let's just say that the boat didn't make it. Let's just say that the boat sank. Let's just say that all that 'stuff' in there started floating away. And while half of us were over the tree, half of us were not. And since most of us were drunk - they found it funny (see rule 1) where of course, I did not. I scrambled to collect ice chests, keep the backpack full of useful things, like our keys and cell phones from getting wet and grab all the junk that was floating away, lest we become litter bugs.

Step 5.
Being too excited to bother with important details. 

Like where someone's car keys are.

Usually what we do when we get down to the river is to park at the 'end' of the float, grab inner tubes and then cram into one fewer car than we brought (which were already crammed). We leave one car at the end and drive the rest to the beginning - with all the tubes.

Some of the trucks looked like this:
That's Nick perched on all those tubes. 

Then, when we get to the end, the driver of each car gets into the one remaining car and goes and collects the other vehicles.

Simple enough.

Unless of course, the 'one car' can't find their keys.

The story being passed around was that driver put his useful stuff into his little cooler. And then a second person said he could put his stuff into their big cooler. And did. But then placed the small cooler back into the open hatch of the car and closed it.

Locking the keys inside.

So we waited.

For an hour.

Where some people tried to work their coat hanger magic to no avail.

We met some strangers and rode over in the back of their truck and retrieved the other vehicles. And we waited some more. Until someone else went looking for their keys - being all key paranoid - and found a single key. How did a single key end up in MY arm rest console?

Glad you asked. As we locked up Brad's truck, he saw a single key and an iPhone in the passenger seat. Not wanting a broken window, he placed the items into the armrest console. And somehow, everyone forgot this series of events. Could possibly have something to do with Step 3, but I can't be sure.

Thankfully the key was found before they moved on to the patented 'rock through window' method.

Tune in next weekend for what will surely be 'How to ruin a pool party in XX steps' which may or may not include 'Keep your clothes on.' Because that's how this group rolls.


  1. I can't remember if I mentioned it already or not... but I love the literal nature of the jello "shot".

    Also, there's a reason David has a $20 wedding ring. For a while, he wore a very nice ring inherited from his grandfather. After a few near-misses when we thought it was lost for good, we retired it. He can lose this cheap-o one all he wants. Ironically, he hasn't. Hmm...

  2. Yes, Corey has gone through FIVE wedding bands- FIVE! So Brad is in okay shape so far. The rest of it? Well...i laughed!

  3. Hah! Your group sounds a lot like mine.

    My husband actually lost his wedding ring on a float in Iowa a few years ago. And I'm pretty sure we've also experienced the sunken raft, keys locked in the car, and not enough booze syndrome as well.

    We're heading out this weekend on another one and I've got my fingers crossed that all goes well. Good luck with future trips!!

  4. Thank you for this helpful guide. Now that I know the five best things to do to ruin a float trip, I'll make sure to make that happen... errrr... avoid it on our trip this weekend. (I'm going with that group that Betty talked about, above!)