Chaotic chaos

Life has been this proverbial roller coaster lately which is such a tired and overused metaphor but given my lack of writing lately, it's all I can come up with. Ups followed by downs. Exhileration followed by extreme fear paired with the overwhelming desire to throw up. Day to day I wonder 'what's around the next corner?' Will this be the sharp turn where it feels like we will all be thrown off the track? Or is the the ominous 'click-click-click' as it pulls you up slowly for the insane fall that will surely follow?
There's stress. There's frustration. There's anger. There's doubt. There's excitement. Joy. And fulfillment. And it's all rolled into the biggest ball of yarn that I drag behind me daily. I struggle to fit it through doorways and sometimes want to throw myself on the floor and cry over it's sheer magnitude. But I can't.
Instead I smile and make up a new cookie recipe. I take another Instagram photo. I look for another company to partner with. I wash the dishes. I ice my wrist. I kick a door.
The strangest part to me is that everyone around me wants me to succeed. I can feel it. And that in itself is scary. The fear of letting those people down is worse than letting myself down.
I struggle with daily sales. Being my first year, I have no idea if this is 'just what Monday's are like,' if some internet rumor of inferior chocolate chips has spread like wild fire or if everyone is just on vacation. I have nothing to go from, so I always go to the worst. It's what I'm wired for.
Don't get me wrong, things have been good. They have been very good. But, as I am impatient, I want them to be better. I have always sought instant gratification. I prefer to plant grown bushes to seeds. I rush though projects, just so I can see the end. So this? Growing a business slowly and deliberately? It pains me. But it is how it must be done.
And yet, I've already done far more in my six months (six? Yes, really, six months) than many are able to accomplish in years. The biggest of which will come at the end of this month. It's the thing currently turning my stomach into something that feels like the inside of a lava lamp.

This is a Share our Strength dinner as part of the No Kid Hungry campaign. The tickets are $150 per person.These are 'big name people.' This is a high-profile event. In the foodie world, this could be make or break. I'm working on some inventive recipes that will hopefully wow both the attendees of this dinner as well as the chefs I will be standing shoulder to shoulder with. I have to come up with something Southern but sophisticated. Inventive but not complicated. Delicious without being pretentious. I have a plan. It will all come down to execution. Pecans. Bourbon. Cream cheese. Sounds easy enough. I'll let you guys know how it goes.
I'm scared but really, really excited. My mind is overwrought with cliches. Just do it. No fear. (apparently they're all cliches from 1996. Hmph.)
I feel as if I'm not allowed to admit that I'm scared. That by breathing these words I immediately become less worthy. That admitting fear is like admitting defeat before I've even begun.
But I guess it's just part of being human.
I'm wearing make up today so I can have a headshot done. I've got on new shoes (no reason, just nice to wear new shoes!) I'm toasting pecans. And tomorrow is a holiday.
So Happy Independence Day to you. No matter what you're celebrating independence from.