I've been feeling meloncholy lately. It seems to happen more and more frequently. Not sad, not depressed, just down. My highs are higher, the lows, bubble for air underneath the deepest abyss. According to Dooce, a household name around my parts says that as the seasons change, so to moods. That the opportunity for depression this time of year is higher. And while I feel the tug, I can't help but wonder why. This time of year is wonderful. Amazing, in fact. The weather breaks, even if only momentarily and gives us pause outside. Time to enjoy the beauty that surrounds us while not drowning in a puddle of our own sweat. I love digging through the back half of my closet, searching for sweaters and boots - long lost gifts to myself from last season.
So why am I sitting here sulking?
Why then, as I look at a huge order of caramels I'm wrapping, a cake that will be in a local magazine waits to be picked up, after a batch of sweets going to a different mag just left the bakery, why do I feel down? Why do I feel frustrated?
I am a deeply impatient person. Impatient and easily aggravated. I feel as if I've spent hours out to sea and despite being on dry land, I can feel the tug of the waves. Back and forth, back and forth. A frustrated gentle rock of not knowing. Not knowing if I want to continue doing this. At all.
On some days, I love, love, love the bakery. There's a odd serenity to rolling out fondant and watching a design come to life. There's also a deep frustration that comes from not understanding exactly how I spent so much money last month.
Running a business is hard. I know this, because people tell me this all the time.
But it's not what most people think. It's not about trying to put your business out there. It's not about juggling a budget or knowing how to handle an upset customer or how to talk to an employee. It's all of that, of course, but it's more.
It's putting yourself out there. It's wondering why the door hasn't opened today, but I was never able to sit down yesterday. It's laying out all these things and trying to put together a jigsaw puzzle when you're working from three different boxes but you don't even know it. It's trying to please everyone with a variety of flavors, but throwing away half of what you bake. (And then having someone request that specific flavor one day later). It's taking an order for a big cake but having the customer upset because of a color miscommunication. It's feeling like everything is not your fault, but blaming yourself anyway.
And it's all simply exhausting.
And now I feel like a whiney baby.
Can you tell when I start writing a post on one day and then finish on another?
I can.
I have a lot of writing I want to do. Blogging here. Blogging for the bakery (that one requires a master plan of sort), once I start, I don't want to just leave it out there all sad like and unfinished. I blog at Kelli Hates once a week. And, I still am determined to finish my book before I die. Heh. So, I'm going to go work on that now. Consider this my nose-grindstone moment.
