Lately I've been struggling. Not the hard struggle, the questionable struggle where you run around screaming at the heavens "What does it all mean?!" But the small struggles. Where you see something, you don't like it but you don't really know why it bothers you so much. So you dig. And digging hurts. It hurts to explore your own inner demons because you have to face that you're not in fact perfect (say what?) and you have to look this ideal in the eye and decide if what you've always thought is still 'right' or just 'right for you,' or heaven forbid, 'dead wrong.'
I've never liked begging. OK, fine, not begging. But asking for help.
Growing up, I have far more memories of me doing something by myself than I do of someone actively helping me.
Who taught my younger sister to tie her shoes? Wasn't mom or dad, it was me. Or the youngest her ABC's? Me, again.
I spent more time in my youth reading books and 'figuring things out on my own' than I did leaning on my parents.
For all intents and purposes, I was a latchkey kid. Except we grew up in a small town, so we didn't lock the doors, so no actual key.
I've always had an 'I'll figure it out' outlook on life. Homework? I'll figure it out. Cooking? I'll figure it out. Getting to and from college when I lived 45 minutes away and I had wrecked my car? I figured it out.
Plain and simple, I get shit done.
The problem is, this has created a myopic view on life. I tend to think that I can do anything. Bakery? Easy peasy. I can do that. Three wedding cakes in one day? Sure. Why not?
And most of the time, I can do these ridiculous things I have put forth for myself. Because I feel as if there is no other option.
The problem with this view is that I also feel that if I can do something, why can't anyone else? I did that, you should be able to, too. (forget that they have kids or less savings or live farther away or whatever else situational thing might be standing in their way that isn't in mine.)
So when I see people ask for help, I get upset. And I've come to find, it's two-fold.
1. I managed to do this [thing] alone, why can't they?
2. They get help. Help that I fear nobody would step up and give me if I had asked.
So I continue alone.
And alone is tiring. And obviously, lonely.